Love is..

I'm crazy about this girl. I know I am. Because deep down I feel like I want this, but I guess I just don't know if I fit in, if I belong.. Maybe I'm allowing myself not to...

I just need to be myself. That is why she liked me in the first place, and I love her. I don't want to end this, I don't want it to be over because being without her is hard, and I have fought hard for this to work and can't stop now.. 

I guess I just have to take it a day at a time.

Round and round..

Ahh. I feel like my mind and heart are screaming at me. Screaming to be let free. Screaming to be let loose. What is going on?

Why must I go through a flurry of shit just to make it through the day. Why can't I just be normal? Wanna just Ugh. Ugh.

I am excited about getting my classes switched back to normal. I can't stand online already. Haha. Ahh, and yes I can't wait to.. that's it! That's all I'm excited about. I feel like my life is bleak and dreary. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be excited about. It's just boring! My life is so dull.

I also feel like maaaaybe it's time for a new relationship. I mean, I do love her but.. I don't know. I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. I don't know if I'm feeling spark, chemistry, anything. I've fought so hard these past months, so hard, just to keep her. I've fought so hard for this, and now I want to give it up? Could it really be our time to shine? Could it really be that we'll break free and be? Or are we really just not meant to be together? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be.. But I.. Sigh. I don't know..

I guess I just have to take everything a day at a time. I'm tired of being bored though. I'm tired of feeling stuck. Stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. That's why I left Fargo, and here I am, ready to leave again.

Is it just me? Is it just that this is who I am? I have to keep moving until I find my place in the world? This, of course, is figuratively and metaphorically speaking.. Hmm. What should I do?

On one hand, I would love to tell Le'Tonja how I feel but I don't think she would understand. I'm a free bird, constantly flying in the sky, and she's an Oak tree with it's roots firmly planted into the ground.. I am the sun, and she is the earth. I shine and bring life, but I fade, and move on to other things that need life. She, though will shift and change throughout time, remains the same and simply rotates while things rotate around her..

Crazy, isn't it?

I can't make a decision because I don't want to leave her, hurt her.. But I feel as though maybe it is the best choice, and that maybe.. Maybe we are meant for different paths. I simply cannot believe that we were simply meant to fade.. But I cannot seem to hold on to what I feel is gone..

Just thinking of this saddens me, so I do nothing. I just go with the flow and the motions though deep down inside I am trying to go against. Do I listen to that? Or do I silence it, and try to live this life I have no idea why I'm living. (Not, life in general as in Life and Death. Just this life, as in this day and time and how I'm living it.)

??

Waiting for tonight..

I have a night planned that will hopefully get rid of a lot of the negativity soaring over my relationship. I hope this works.

It takes two baby..

There are so many things that I want to say, but I can't because I promised myself that I would leave it alone and let it breath. It's so hard to make someone see something they refuse to, because of their own selfish ways and inability to relate to someone else and their short comings. I'm selfish too, and I have my issues, God knows that, but I'm not the only one. There is so much negativity that surrounds us and our relationship that it is no wonder we fell apart. I can't be the only one that has problems and issues, and that has to be selfless before the other is. Just because in the past you have done things doesn't mean that now you can be negative because you simply do not understand. I refuse to live a life that I have spent the last 22 years trying to run away from. I should have support and positivity from the one I love, the one that is supposed to be my other half. But I do not get that. I'm supposed to just move one and let go, when I know there is more to us than this selfish negative bubble that we live in. But I need compromise and understanding before I can go any further. It's like you're so blinded by your selfishness and your unwillingness to put yourself in my shoes and see where I have been that you can't even see past all the negative that you feel surrounds me. You strive for me to move on from my past and to be a happy positive person, yet you throw the past in my face constantly and surround me with negativity. It's not fair. You say I don't help your insecurities, but you don't help mine either and you're so into your own self and insecurities that you have no time or no room to see mine.

It's so sad.
It's so sad to see something that could be so beautiful fall apart.
And you won't even try to do anything about it.

Instead I have to come up with the solutions and I have to be the one that sits here and hurts and tries to think of all the ways we might be able to fix this.

Well no more.

If you can't see it, I won't try and make you see it.
And if you can't feel it, I won't try and make you feel it.
What's done is done, and by your own hand you have ended it.
I am no longer going to try.

You won't. So I won't.

I guess this is the goodbye I never saw coming.

What is there left of us?

If I. If you. If we.

So many things I need to change and all I see is negative.

I just do not know anymore.