Speedin..

I wonder what's going on with me. I wonder where my head is at. I think I've lost track of it somewhere in the midst of trying to do what I thought was right. 

Now I don't know what I want.. 

Someone's angry..

Today is a "I'm in a pissy mood that no one fucking gets" kind a day. I just wanna fucking scream and punch the shit out of someone's face. TAKE THAT! I'm fucking angry and you get to feel my wrath.

UGH!

I just wanted to spend some time. And excuse me for being jealous that you'll go have fun with someone else but you can't give me a minute of your time but do drop off some damn weed that I don't give a fuck about. So whatever.

Fuck it.

I say something and my feelings are just NOT LEGIT. But you complain and say something and it's okay. So what the fuck ever.

Don't let me fall..

"There is no parachute that they can make for this.."

On a one way road and I can't turn around.
I see you pass me by and I can't reach out to touch you.
You're going by so fast that I can't call out.
My words fall as fast as they came out.
I want to scream and shout.

I don't know what's going on. How can you say I don't care? I care too much for my own good. How can you think that I'm not in this. I'm in this more than I ever dreamed.

This is it. I can feel it. There's no turning back.
I cannot change your mind..

Show me a good time..

Drake. Over and over.

We can never forget memories, they make us, form us, shape us. We can never dwell though, or else we get stuck..

I'm tired, and it breaks me heart to think that what we had will only be a memory..

I just want to let it out..

We are who we are..

Things are crazy, but not as messy as they used to be..

I'm having trouble deciding what I want to do with school, and work.. Seeing as I'm not making enough money but don't have the record to find a really good job. I'm also confused as to whether or not I should be a psych major or if I should try do something else that would be a better fit for me. I love to talk to people, I love to help people with issues, so I'm really into the idea of  being a therapist, but I'm afraid of graduating, and not finding a job and just having a degree I really can't use. I'm not even sure how long I will need to be in school, or what degree I need to get to even do what I want to do.. I guess I have some research to do.

I had some issues with myself last night, nothing out of the norm. I got into a conversation, well a me saying what was on my mind type thing, with Le'Tonja about it and it ended in the ending of our relationship. Wow. That wasn't the response I was looking for. I was looking for insight, not for someone to hurt me. Why did she do that? Why did she break up with me so "I can do me" and etc? That isn't what I was asking for, and not what I wanted. I just don't understand.

I'm not always going to know who I am, or even what I want. But deep down, I know that I want to be with her, and that all I'm looking for is happiness and financial stability. I think that I am just having trouble getting there, or figuring out what I need to get there.. I shouldn't have to explain myself, I think in a way she should understand, but I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is being dumped over nothing. I simply expressed myself and this is where it got me?

What will it take for her to understand that I love her? What will it take for her to understand that regardless of what is going on in my life I still want to be with her? Yes, I am confused sometimes because that's how I am. I can tend to be an unbalanced person, and not even that, I just tend to think and rethink often enough to confuse my wants and needs with what others want and need. I'm not perfect, but who is?

I guess all I can do is just wait. All I can do is just see what happens. Life is funny that way. It throws you obstacles and it's not about why they're there its about what you do to get over them, and the after. I plan to get through this. I can't force someone to be with me who, deep down inside may not really want to. Is that the case? I don't know. I have no idea how she feels because it seems as if she has based her decision on how I felt. Which, mind you, had nothing to do with us..

So what can I do? I have fought, and hard, for the last 8 months. I want this. I've shown that. I can't continue to blame myself, thinking I'm not enough. I know I haven't been perfect. I know I haven't, but I have done nothing but try.

I guess we'll just leave it at, what's meant to be will be..

I have no words for this title..

I'm too tired to fucking think correctly. Too many things are running through my mind to actually say anything worth meaning, but..

I do have something on my mind..

Sleep.

The changes we must make..

So Le'Tonja started Chantix today, which means soon she will be smoke free. I am about to do the same thing. I actually can't wait to be smoke free, because I really just don't want to have to worry about smoking or anything like that anymore. Plus, it will make me much healthier and save me a lot of money. We're also going to start eating healthier and just making ourselves healthier people in general. I think it's a good start..

Sometimes I do wonder where life will take us. I know that I want to be with her, so it is not our relationship that I doubt, but sometimes I just wonder if our paths are truly meant to stay the same, or if someday we may very well just part. It scares me a little, because I fear the future and what it has to hold, as I do not know exactly what that is.. Also, because I don't want to lose what I have, but then again you can't really help what is already meant to be..

For now, I will leave it be. It is what it is..

Maktub..

The rainbow after the storm..

I'm happy to say that my weekend turned around..

It's crazy how out of hand things can get, but how easy it is to get it back when you're really determined to make it work. Love is such a powerful thing.. Sometimes you can't help but get upset in the heat of the moment, but I'm glad we can get through it.

Whew!

Well on to continue the rest of my weekend with the lady.

Goodnight..

I must be different..

I can honestly say that something is wrong with me.. I seem to fuck up and burn everything I touch, sometimes without even meaning to and shit. I don't get it. Why am I different? Why do I fuck things up? Is it me or am I just messing with the wrong people? Where am I s'posed to go? What am I s'posed to do?

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!

And why don't I know how to fix it..?

I just constantly feel like a fuck up. I feel like no matter where I go or what I do or try to do it just doesn't work. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just feel like a failure.

How do I fix this?

The things that change us..

Last night was rough. It ended in "This is a waste of time. I'm going to take you home..", yet that isn't how the night began.. Simply because I said something that did not want to be heard.. So what do I do now? Nothing. I can do absolutely nothing but hope that today brings different moods and thoughts and.. But we shall see..

I hope that we can move past this. I do love her. So much. With everything I have. She says that no person can give one other person their whole self and trust, but I can, and I have.. I love deeply, and singly.. There is no way I could share the way I feel about her with someone else. It's not only stupid, but selfish and uncaring to do so. There is really nothing that can change the way that I feel.. We have had countless fights and stupid arguments over things that bother us, tick us off, hurt us, or just plain annoy us.. and I just cannot do anything but love her.. Am I wrong for this?

It can prove difficult when the one that you love has doubts about the love that you have for them. When they see what you have as simply taking a risk, and not as something that is serious. I am not perfect, Lord knows that I am not, but that does not change the fact that I am in love with this girl, and that I plan to spend my life with her. It does not change that I have strong feelings that don't just "come and go" as they please, that I think about her all day, that all I want is to just be with her.. If I could spend every moment in my day with her, I gladly would..

But, you cannot make a person see what they do not want to, or are afraid to. So I will not try. I will simply love, and hope that it is seen, and do things to improve my love and hopefully her trust, and we will see what happens..

One can only hope..