No words can fix this.

How much I miss you hurts more than words could ever say. How much I want to hate you for breaking my heart in more than a million pieces. I wasn't perfect, but damn. Really?

You just have no idea how much I love you.
How much I was ready to put it down for you.

How it just hurts like it does.

I'm sorry I feel this way.
I wish I didn't.

I wish I could just stop loving you.

Love is lost...

I miss you so much.

I hate it.

I love you with a passion I can't describe.

I know better than to love you.

I know better. I know that I shouldn't care. I should stop thinking of  you. I Find it funny that I haven't.

I'm watching this movie called April's Showers. Pretty tragic. I took a trileptal. Some pain pill. KoKoe blocked me I think. Sucks. I thought we were cool, but I mean she's her friend, not mine right.

Gosh, I'm pathetic.

I'm shutting my mind out to everyone. I'm shutting myself in.

The only thing I fear is missing you.

I think about you everyday, but I'm not dreaming of you. Probably because I'm not thinking as hard about it, but it still hurts.

How could you? How dare you?

Okay. Well I'm thinking about going to school. I mean I am going to go to school, because I love school. I just want to do it right this time, and not worry about anyone else but me. Can I do it? I don't know. I don't see why I can't just be my own person and do my own thing.

Well. That's all for now.

Stoner.

That's me. I'm also tired.

I don't miss you, but I'm just like.. Damn. Really? Wow. That's fucked up. I just don't want to look like the bitch in the situation like, Oh poor lil Shonna got her heart broken by a tramp. Nah. But really though, fuck that. Ughhh. Okay, anyways.

Wasted time and energy.

Otherwise, idk.

School. Music and graphics. Here or there? I don't know. Maybe not either. Washington. That'd be nice. Agh, sike. Jk.

Bed time.

You could never know what it's like to lose you...

Today is harder than most, and I don't know why. I don't want to think about you, I don't want to hurt anymore. You left me for someone else, and NOW you're pregnant, and all I can do is hurt over it. Every morning I wake up and the thoughts run through my head. The same tiring, hurtful thoughts of betrayal, what you did with him, and how you hurt me. And on top of it all, I'm dreaming about you. Dreaming of you coming around, making me feel how you used to, and it's hurting me more. No matter what I do, it's there. You're always there. Always in my thoughts, always weighing down my heart. I know that my actions are my own. I know that my thoughts are my own, and I don't know WHY I can't stop. I don't know why I can't stop hurting. How long is this going to last? How long am I going to hurt over you, and the way that you crushed me. What more do I have to go through to let this all go?

I don't want to keep talking about it, but the pain is ever present. The hurt I feel lingers constantly. There is always something there to remind me. Something I see. Something I hear. Something I feel. It's always something. How heartless can you be to leave me hurting while you're off with what you think is making you happy? How heartless can you be to just do the things you do and did to me? I'll never understand it...

I'm so much BETTER than this. I deserve so much MORE. I'm not perfect, but I loved you. I would have done it all for you..

And look where that got me..

What a trip!

What the hell is going on these days? I have no real idea. I just want some normalcy. Please? Thank you.

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Ain't gotta lie to kick it..

I can't lie. I don't know how I feel. I wish I could say my feelings are still the same, but I don't know that they are. We have been through so many things and.. You have flat it said I don't have all of you. You have all of me. Why can I not get the same? How are you so comfortable with me but I don't get your whole heart. Sigh.

I honestly just don't know. I don't want to call it quits, but I am afraid that staying is getting me no where. Would I be wrong to let go?

I really just don't know.

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Love, at its finest..

How am I supposed to keep everything inside? Why do I constantly go back and forth?

For the first time in a long time, or ever, God makes me smile. Maybe I am finally believing! He does bring great things in your life, and I guess I should see what we have for what it is. Because He is giving me chances to make this work. To LET it work.

I am just so terrified.

I can't stand not knowing what is going to happen.
I give myself anxiety with this fear.

Ahhh, I just want to be normal. Whatever that is..

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Baby, please don't go..

You can leave all you want and I will never let you go. You can come and go as you please and I will always be here. You have such a hold on me. You have the greatest advantage.

My heart.

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When the going gets tough..

Now I can blog from my phone. How cool is that?

Things are a mess. I lost another job for no reason. What the fuck. I actually liked that job and didn't have any particular feeling about going or not. Sigh. My relationship is still a mess, but I did initiate a set back. I just told her that I thought we should he friends, and talk for a while. I think it will he good for us to establiah better communication and a solid friendship between us to better us as a couple. I hope this works. I told her that I wasn't going anywhere, I just needed time to get myself together because I am simply a mess right now..

I went to Church today. It was really good. I felt really connected to something and someone that is there to help me and always will be. I was worried about it at first, but I feel better about it now. The pastor said, "Don't make it about religion, make it about a relationship with God." So that is what I did. I hope this helps. I want to start praying at least once a day, and really connecting with God. I think it will give me some direction and it is the only thing I can talk about without feeling empty or lost. I feel good about it.

I hope this new relationship with God helps me and helps things to turn around. He never leaves you and is always there to carry you when things get hard.. I need some kind of direction and I think this is it. I hope it is..

School sucks. I think I am done after this quarter. I need to work and get my money back up. I have trips to make and people to see. I want to live life again and be happy! Hopefully thing start to get better and stay that way for once!

That is all.

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Love is..

I'm crazy about this girl. I know I am. Because deep down I feel like I want this, but I guess I just don't know if I fit in, if I belong.. Maybe I'm allowing myself not to...

I just need to be myself. That is why she liked me in the first place, and I love her. I don't want to end this, I don't want it to be over because being without her is hard, and I have fought hard for this to work and can't stop now.. 

I guess I just have to take it a day at a time.

Round and round..

Ahh. I feel like my mind and heart are screaming at me. Screaming to be let free. Screaming to be let loose. What is going on?

Why must I go through a flurry of shit just to make it through the day. Why can't I just be normal? Wanna just Ugh. Ugh.

I am excited about getting my classes switched back to normal. I can't stand online already. Haha. Ahh, and yes I can't wait to.. that's it! That's all I'm excited about. I feel like my life is bleak and dreary. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be excited about. It's just boring! My life is so dull.

I also feel like maaaaybe it's time for a new relationship. I mean, I do love her but.. I don't know. I don't know if I'm in love with her anymore. I don't know if I'm feeling spark, chemistry, anything. I've fought so hard these past months, so hard, just to keep her. I've fought so hard for this, and now I want to give it up? Could it really be our time to shine? Could it really be that we'll break free and be? Or are we really just not meant to be together? Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be.. But I.. Sigh. I don't know..

I guess I just have to take everything a day at a time. I'm tired of being bored though. I'm tired of feeling stuck. Stuck in a rut that I can't get out of. That's why I left Fargo, and here I am, ready to leave again.

Is it just me? Is it just that this is who I am? I have to keep moving until I find my place in the world? This, of course, is figuratively and metaphorically speaking.. Hmm. What should I do?

On one hand, I would love to tell Le'Tonja how I feel but I don't think she would understand. I'm a free bird, constantly flying in the sky, and she's an Oak tree with it's roots firmly planted into the ground.. I am the sun, and she is the earth. I shine and bring life, but I fade, and move on to other things that need life. She, though will shift and change throughout time, remains the same and simply rotates while things rotate around her..

Crazy, isn't it?

I can't make a decision because I don't want to leave her, hurt her.. But I feel as though maybe it is the best choice, and that maybe.. Maybe we are meant for different paths. I simply cannot believe that we were simply meant to fade.. But I cannot seem to hold on to what I feel is gone..

Just thinking of this saddens me, so I do nothing. I just go with the flow and the motions though deep down inside I am trying to go against. Do I listen to that? Or do I silence it, and try to live this life I have no idea why I'm living. (Not, life in general as in Life and Death. Just this life, as in this day and time and how I'm living it.)

??

Waiting for tonight..

I have a night planned that will hopefully get rid of a lot of the negativity soaring over my relationship. I hope this works.

It takes two baby..

There are so many things that I want to say, but I can't because I promised myself that I would leave it alone and let it breath. It's so hard to make someone see something they refuse to, because of their own selfish ways and inability to relate to someone else and their short comings. I'm selfish too, and I have my issues, God knows that, but I'm not the only one. There is so much negativity that surrounds us and our relationship that it is no wonder we fell apart. I can't be the only one that has problems and issues, and that has to be selfless before the other is. Just because in the past you have done things doesn't mean that now you can be negative because you simply do not understand. I refuse to live a life that I have spent the last 22 years trying to run away from. I should have support and positivity from the one I love, the one that is supposed to be my other half. But I do not get that. I'm supposed to just move one and let go, when I know there is more to us than this selfish negative bubble that we live in. But I need compromise and understanding before I can go any further. It's like you're so blinded by your selfishness and your unwillingness to put yourself in my shoes and see where I have been that you can't even see past all the negative that you feel surrounds me. You strive for me to move on from my past and to be a happy positive person, yet you throw the past in my face constantly and surround me with negativity. It's not fair. You say I don't help your insecurities, but you don't help mine either and you're so into your own self and insecurities that you have no time or no room to see mine.

It's so sad.
It's so sad to see something that could be so beautiful fall apart.
And you won't even try to do anything about it.

Instead I have to come up with the solutions and I have to be the one that sits here and hurts and tries to think of all the ways we might be able to fix this.

Well no more.

If you can't see it, I won't try and make you see it.
And if you can't feel it, I won't try and make you feel it.
What's done is done, and by your own hand you have ended it.
I am no longer going to try.

You won't. So I won't.

I guess this is the goodbye I never saw coming.

What is there left of us?

If I. If you. If we.

So many things I need to change and all I see is negative.

I just do not know anymore.

Them haters, they gon hate..

Ahh, things are doing okay. I can't say that they're perfect, becuase they aren't. I lost my job over a chicken nugget, and then the thought it would be a good idea to post my picture up of me. They might as well just said, Hey, this is Shonna. She got fired over a chicken nugget. You don't want to be her. Tsk! Smh. The nerve of people.

Other than that, there isn't much to talk about.

No depressing post today.

Sun in the sky, you know how I feel..

I don't know who I am anymore.

I came to fly..

Things have made a mess of themselves again. I can't help but feel a little saddened by the fact that this seems so hard to maintain. I love her, more than I have loved anyone. I would do anything for her..

I do have some things to work on, some issues to maintain. So I will do that, while trying to make us better too. But maybe that's just it, maybe in making myself better, I will make us better, because she will see another side of me and know hat I am changing for the better, and doing what I can to make myself better..

Ahh, I just typed all that while watching everyone else in the computer lab do what they're doing. Haha, I am a pro. :)

Well, other than that, I have some catching up to do in my reading class, but I am doing exceptionally well in my psychology class. I am very pleased about. I'm thinking of combining my writing skills, and people skills into one and becoming both a therapist and a writer of sorts. Wouldn't that be cool? I can write pieces of the mind..

I am going to continue to remain hopeful, and stay positive. If things do not work out then they were not meant to be at all, but I do not believe that.. I will keep my faith.

I know I was made for you..

<3

Like clockwork..

I can't stand moments of tension. I can't stand being denied.

You're not just a random person. I'm not just your girlfriend.

Speedin..

I wonder what's going on with me. I wonder where my head is at. I think I've lost track of it somewhere in the midst of trying to do what I thought was right. 

Now I don't know what I want.. 

Someone's angry..

Today is a "I'm in a pissy mood that no one fucking gets" kind a day. I just wanna fucking scream and punch the shit out of someone's face. TAKE THAT! I'm fucking angry and you get to feel my wrath.

UGH!

I just wanted to spend some time. And excuse me for being jealous that you'll go have fun with someone else but you can't give me a minute of your time but do drop off some damn weed that I don't give a fuck about. So whatever.

Fuck it.

I say something and my feelings are just NOT LEGIT. But you complain and say something and it's okay. So what the fuck ever.

Don't let me fall..

"There is no parachute that they can make for this.."

On a one way road and I can't turn around.
I see you pass me by and I can't reach out to touch you.
You're going by so fast that I can't call out.
My words fall as fast as they came out.
I want to scream and shout.

I don't know what's going on. How can you say I don't care? I care too much for my own good. How can you think that I'm not in this. I'm in this more than I ever dreamed.

This is it. I can feel it. There's no turning back.
I cannot change your mind..

Show me a good time..

Drake. Over and over.

We can never forget memories, they make us, form us, shape us. We can never dwell though, or else we get stuck..

I'm tired, and it breaks me heart to think that what we had will only be a memory..

I just want to let it out..

We are who we are..

Things are crazy, but not as messy as they used to be..

I'm having trouble deciding what I want to do with school, and work.. Seeing as I'm not making enough money but don't have the record to find a really good job. I'm also confused as to whether or not I should be a psych major or if I should try do something else that would be a better fit for me. I love to talk to people, I love to help people with issues, so I'm really into the idea of  being a therapist, but I'm afraid of graduating, and not finding a job and just having a degree I really can't use. I'm not even sure how long I will need to be in school, or what degree I need to get to even do what I want to do.. I guess I have some research to do.

I had some issues with myself last night, nothing out of the norm. I got into a conversation, well a me saying what was on my mind type thing, with Le'Tonja about it and it ended in the ending of our relationship. Wow. That wasn't the response I was looking for. I was looking for insight, not for someone to hurt me. Why did she do that? Why did she break up with me so "I can do me" and etc? That isn't what I was asking for, and not what I wanted. I just don't understand.

I'm not always going to know who I am, or even what I want. But deep down, I know that I want to be with her, and that all I'm looking for is happiness and financial stability. I think that I am just having trouble getting there, or figuring out what I need to get there.. I shouldn't have to explain myself, I think in a way she should understand, but I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is being dumped over nothing. I simply expressed myself and this is where it got me?

What will it take for her to understand that I love her? What will it take for her to understand that regardless of what is going on in my life I still want to be with her? Yes, I am confused sometimes because that's how I am. I can tend to be an unbalanced person, and not even that, I just tend to think and rethink often enough to confuse my wants and needs with what others want and need. I'm not perfect, but who is?

I guess all I can do is just wait. All I can do is just see what happens. Life is funny that way. It throws you obstacles and it's not about why they're there its about what you do to get over them, and the after. I plan to get through this. I can't force someone to be with me who, deep down inside may not really want to. Is that the case? I don't know. I have no idea how she feels because it seems as if she has based her decision on how I felt. Which, mind you, had nothing to do with us..

So what can I do? I have fought, and hard, for the last 8 months. I want this. I've shown that. I can't continue to blame myself, thinking I'm not enough. I know I haven't been perfect. I know I haven't, but I have done nothing but try.

I guess we'll just leave it at, what's meant to be will be..

I have no words for this title..

I'm too tired to fucking think correctly. Too many things are running through my mind to actually say anything worth meaning, but..

I do have something on my mind..

Sleep.

The changes we must make..

So Le'Tonja started Chantix today, which means soon she will be smoke free. I am about to do the same thing. I actually can't wait to be smoke free, because I really just don't want to have to worry about smoking or anything like that anymore. Plus, it will make me much healthier and save me a lot of money. We're also going to start eating healthier and just making ourselves healthier people in general. I think it's a good start..

Sometimes I do wonder where life will take us. I know that I want to be with her, so it is not our relationship that I doubt, but sometimes I just wonder if our paths are truly meant to stay the same, or if someday we may very well just part. It scares me a little, because I fear the future and what it has to hold, as I do not know exactly what that is.. Also, because I don't want to lose what I have, but then again you can't really help what is already meant to be..

For now, I will leave it be. It is what it is..

Maktub..

The rainbow after the storm..

I'm happy to say that my weekend turned around..

It's crazy how out of hand things can get, but how easy it is to get it back when you're really determined to make it work. Love is such a powerful thing.. Sometimes you can't help but get upset in the heat of the moment, but I'm glad we can get through it.

Whew!

Well on to continue the rest of my weekend with the lady.

Goodnight..

I must be different..

I can honestly say that something is wrong with me.. I seem to fuck up and burn everything I touch, sometimes without even meaning to and shit. I don't get it. Why am I different? Why do I fuck things up? Is it me or am I just messing with the wrong people? Where am I s'posed to go? What am I s'posed to do?

WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!

And why don't I know how to fix it..?

I just constantly feel like a fuck up. I feel like no matter where I go or what I do or try to do it just doesn't work. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just feel like a failure.

How do I fix this?

The things that change us..

Last night was rough. It ended in "This is a waste of time. I'm going to take you home..", yet that isn't how the night began.. Simply because I said something that did not want to be heard.. So what do I do now? Nothing. I can do absolutely nothing but hope that today brings different moods and thoughts and.. But we shall see..

I hope that we can move past this. I do love her. So much. With everything I have. She says that no person can give one other person their whole self and trust, but I can, and I have.. I love deeply, and singly.. There is no way I could share the way I feel about her with someone else. It's not only stupid, but selfish and uncaring to do so. There is really nothing that can change the way that I feel.. We have had countless fights and stupid arguments over things that bother us, tick us off, hurt us, or just plain annoy us.. and I just cannot do anything but love her.. Am I wrong for this?

It can prove difficult when the one that you love has doubts about the love that you have for them. When they see what you have as simply taking a risk, and not as something that is serious. I am not perfect, Lord knows that I am not, but that does not change the fact that I am in love with this girl, and that I plan to spend my life with her. It does not change that I have strong feelings that don't just "come and go" as they please, that I think about her all day, that all I want is to just be with her.. If I could spend every moment in my day with her, I gladly would..

But, you cannot make a person see what they do not want to, or are afraid to. So I will not try. I will simply love, and hope that it is seen, and do things to improve my love and hopefully her trust, and we will see what happens..

One can only hope..